I awoke comfortable, yet soar from a traveling body. After hours spent sitting in a upright position, a man coughing and sneezing next to me, and me contorting my body even more uncomfortably to not let the wind of his germs touch me- I am soar. I took to my macbook as a owner takes to their puppy after a long while gone and I checked all my friends blogs, and my bank account which was under the amount I thought it would be. Normally, that would stress me out because October 6 three friends and I are road tripping to and around La. But this morning it didn't. I'm going to go, and enjoy it, with out the thoughts of money weighing me down. I was only gone 9 days, but it feels a lifetime. Home is different. How do I settle back in after being somewhere so different? Living so differently? And being with people who were not the faces I am used too. I am settling back in as I do laundry, and wait for my dear girlfriends to come over and watch "country strong". But I'm pretty sure this trip has changed my course, because it has changed my heart (proverbs 4:23). I'm questioning if I really live a life that demands explanation, or one worthy to my calling. I just haven't been. I've been so safe, everything about how I walk is safe. I surround myself with the tools for Godly living, (what does that even mean?) yet I don't think I'm experiencing it. I always find myself blown away by human beings who aren't Christian because I can see their lives and hear their voices being more "Christian" than my own. Except my faith lies in God, and that is what is different. Differences aside, my friend leads life by example. He takes every opportunity and just jumps in. He doesn't fear, he knows he'll always be provided for. Watching him ables me to believe that I too, can jump in. If a opportunity is there- take it. It's The Lord.
In many of Paul's letters to churches he would explain to them about how he would just long to be with among them but God was not allowing it. In the end of acts God even changes Paul's course by sending a massive storm. Paul is so obedient, he doesn't plan, he just follows. I want to follow with all of me, not just half way. I want to follow Jesus as his disciple, whether my sandals are breaking under the sand or not.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
New Orleans 2011
It took me back. The first thing I saw after the airport was a cascade of lights. First thing I felt was the gentle mist of soft warm air across my skin. As my friend Andrew drove I continued gazing at the unknown city. Questions surfacing. Where am I? What am I looking for? What will I find?
Among a porch swing, loud air conditioning, pillow talk, sheets strung as curtains, and new friends I found healing for my soul.
The night before I left I told my friend that I felt the light in me is fading, that I was growing dim. And I was. I became so wrapped up in routine. Everything was scheduled, every moment appointed. Even time with god was on schedule. No matter how long I sat with him and tried to be still, tried to listen- there was a awful silence and chaos consuming my heart. I didn't have anything to give nor offer except for a kind ear. My mouth carried no words. My heart muttered no hymns. And my soul displayed little joy. I tried to create joy, to find my way back to Eden. And even that caused anxiety.
But in New Orleans I awoke.
There was beauty there that I had never seen. And beauty I found in myself and god once
more. I saw it when I let the rain fall onto my hair and down my dress because my two friends decided it'd be a good idea to climb on the edge of a pier and watch the city. Lights flashed, a boat crossed and stirred the water, and the rain dropped like kisses from heaven on my skin. The way the toll bridge lit the sky, yet hid the mystery of the stars. The laughter of the amazing young men beside me being swallowed by the night air. The shivering of my body only added to the experience. A subtle reminder of my humanity. A big reminder of my god.
There was peace in the nights and morning spent upon the porch. Everyone still, silence being heard, god being near in a gentle and modest way. I laid on the wooden swing with the childhood striped sheet wrapped tightly around me. The wood became clouds and took my burdens, and the sheet became like fleece, soft and warm against my cheek. I knew I was where I was supposed to be, and I was fully there.
There was laughter shared in exploration of a unknown and possibly forbidden lost land of color and history. Sneaking through the fence, walking through the overgrown bush, resting under the willow tree. There we found beauty captured by camera, and shared by instagram. New to us all. But known to someone.
There was freedom felt in the music glaring in your ears, and the off key voices singing together. A choir of sweet melodies. Usher, shaggy, Michelle branch, the music of the past bringing together those in the present.
There was friendship being created into the late night talks and testimonies. Sharing stories, fears, secrets, joy, and glances exchanged.
I was there. Not just there in the physical, but in the spiritual, emotional, mental, and whatever else. I was there. I was not divided, I was one. I received beauty, I took each moment as its own unique adventure, teaching, or stilling moment. So where was i, what was i looking for, and what did i find? I was in the old city of new orleans, far away from home, and am taking part of it with me. I was looking to get out and be renewed, and visit friends. But my experience really is about what was found. So much was. Fears were lost, bravery found. Self was found, self was learned and renewed. I found such beauty, peace, and love in new orleans. I found such phemomenal people with amazing hearts. I didnt have to look hard, new orleans was more like a treasure that god just gave to me from his riches. I'm writing this from the airport. Phone plugged into the outlet, and my flight is now being called. I remain found, and i hope not to lose myself again in the day to day. I'm ready for the sweetness of home. And this vacation will stand as a reminder to be all there, to not rush, to not worry, and always play.
"jump now, fear later."
Among a porch swing, loud air conditioning, pillow talk, sheets strung as curtains, and new friends I found healing for my soul.
The night before I left I told my friend that I felt the light in me is fading, that I was growing dim. And I was. I became so wrapped up in routine. Everything was scheduled, every moment appointed. Even time with god was on schedule. No matter how long I sat with him and tried to be still, tried to listen- there was a awful silence and chaos consuming my heart. I didn't have anything to give nor offer except for a kind ear. My mouth carried no words. My heart muttered no hymns. And my soul displayed little joy. I tried to create joy, to find my way back to Eden. And even that caused anxiety.
But in New Orleans I awoke.
There was beauty there that I had never seen. And beauty I found in myself and god once
more. I saw it when I let the rain fall onto my hair and down my dress because my two friends decided it'd be a good idea to climb on the edge of a pier and watch the city. Lights flashed, a boat crossed and stirred the water, and the rain dropped like kisses from heaven on my skin. The way the toll bridge lit the sky, yet hid the mystery of the stars. The laughter of the amazing young men beside me being swallowed by the night air. The shivering of my body only added to the experience. A subtle reminder of my humanity. A big reminder of my god.
There was peace in the nights and morning spent upon the porch. Everyone still, silence being heard, god being near in a gentle and modest way. I laid on the wooden swing with the childhood striped sheet wrapped tightly around me. The wood became clouds and took my burdens, and the sheet became like fleece, soft and warm against my cheek. I knew I was where I was supposed to be, and I was fully there.
There was laughter shared in exploration of a unknown and possibly forbidden lost land of color and history. Sneaking through the fence, walking through the overgrown bush, resting under the willow tree. There we found beauty captured by camera, and shared by instagram. New to us all. But known to someone.
There was freedom felt in the music glaring in your ears, and the off key voices singing together. A choir of sweet melodies. Usher, shaggy, Michelle branch, the music of the past bringing together those in the present.
There was friendship being created into the late night talks and testimonies. Sharing stories, fears, secrets, joy, and glances exchanged.
I was there. Not just there in the physical, but in the spiritual, emotional, mental, and whatever else. I was there. I was not divided, I was one. I received beauty, I took each moment as its own unique adventure, teaching, or stilling moment. So where was i, what was i looking for, and what did i find? I was in the old city of new orleans, far away from home, and am taking part of it with me. I was looking to get out and be renewed, and visit friends. But my experience really is about what was found. So much was. Fears were lost, bravery found. Self was found, self was learned and renewed. I found such beauty, peace, and love in new orleans. I found such phemomenal people with amazing hearts. I didnt have to look hard, new orleans was more like a treasure that god just gave to me from his riches. I'm writing this from the airport. Phone plugged into the outlet, and my flight is now being called. I remain found, and i hope not to lose myself again in the day to day. I'm ready for the sweetness of home. And this vacation will stand as a reminder to be all there, to not rush, to not worry, and always play.
"jump now, fear later."
Saturday, September 10, 2011
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