`~`

I am still on the road of self discovery.
In all seasons I choose to be who I am.
To accept and discover me.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are"

A teacher once asked me what I think a teenagers biggest challenge in high school is, and I explained to him it is that high schoolers don't know who they are. They arrive freshmen year with theirhormones and insecurities from middle school and are like white canvas's, each encounter, acquaintance, and teach makes a brush stroke and soon enough they are a completely different picture then what they were.

It is great to be you.

With your gifts, quirks, and mind.

I too have spent a lot of time in envy of others talents or qualities, but I am beginning to really appreciate and own my own.
Who really am I? How do I work? How can I serve God best? How do I talk/spend time with God? What am I good at?

I am learning.

Tackling one thing at a time

We tackle it together.
People are the most confusing of all god's creation. We get free will. Some people use that will to crush and burden others. Sometimes I wonder, where is the grace? Why don't we listen to each other's stories? Where is the patience and respect?
I feel but a small buoy in a huge ocean.
The way It is an appropriate response to stand near a ocean and feel small or look at old pictures and smile, so it is an appropriate reaction to see the cruelty of man and be angry. I have hope for myself and others. But I am not sure if I have hope for some people on the earth. God is big enough to change the world and bring us all to know him, and someday he will. But for now, I pray to find myself to be apart of the salt mine, and know my identity in preserving.

Follow what you see

"peeping through my keyhole I see within the range of only about thirty percent of the light that comes from the sun; the rest is infrared and some little ultraviolet, perfectly apparent to many animals, but invisible to me."- Annie Dillard

We are shaped by what we see. We watch the way our mothers carry themselves and practice it. We look at the weather outside to figure out what clothes to wear. We rely on our eyes for a lot of things.
Don't make the mistake of relying on your eyes to see God.
We only see a small part of creation and of his works, he is bigger still.

"For it is not good for man to be alone"

God knows what is good and what isn't good for man.
Let go.

He is in control

I worry about my family, friends, and those younger then me- God is in control.
I need to raise 10,000 dollars and do a million things if I want to go to ywam- God is in control.

The list could go on, but God is control. I have been repeating this to myself over and over again and it continues to relieve me. He knows my needs, and others, and he i taking care of us lest I worry.

I can no undo what he has done, make right what he has not, nor make what he hasn't.
He is in control.
His judgement is perfect.
And one day he will pay back every right and every wrong.
He will restore those who love him to himself.
He will remain in control.

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand

Yesterday I found out that we are taking my nonna off life support.
I had a overwhelming sense of peace about it. I'm not worried for my family and I, even though the months ahead will be harder for my mom then ever. I asked god for unity and peace in my household, and I know he is faithful. My nonna loves Jesus and I will see her later. I'm thankful today for God being there always, and always the same. Always loving.

I have been putting a different bible verse, or encouraging word on my lock screen so every time I go to look st my phone I read it. This week it says "God is in control". And that he is.


He is our rock.
2corinthians 4:16-18, psalm 27.

We have a choice

I will choose silence, so I may hear God and be there with him.
I will choose to be alone and undistracted, to let my feelings that I shove off ripen and face them, and hand them over to God.
I will not play on my phone, and make wishes while I am with my friends.
I will be present in my body and mind to who I am sharing space with.

This week I will.

"i will give thanks to the lord with my whole heart;
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
I will be glad and exult in you;
I will sing praise to your name, o most high." psalm 9:1-2

As David chose, I will.

Give it to Him

"Give me all of you! I don't want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want you. All of you. I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to kill it! No half measures will do. I don't want to only prune a branch or two; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your dreams and wishes. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make you a new self- in my image. Give me yourself in exchange I will give you myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart" - C.s lewis (God saying this to people).

If you go to God when you are feeling like "a good Christian", you are never coming to him at all. Was it not Jesus who said "Come to me you who are weary" or "Blessed are those who are meek in spirit", or even "I came here not for those who think they are righteous but for those who know they are unrighteous, healthy people don't need a doctor- sick people do".
We come as we are.
By his grace we are perfected, never by our own spirit of labor.
Go as you are to a Father who loves you.

I am constantly reminded to give up my hopes, desires, and dreams to God. to go to him first and lean not on my own wisdom. I give him my temptations, and all that is bad with in me. God is not waiting to put a star on the board for you, but sin. Sin is all he can take from you. It is what he desires to free us from.

Being a Christian was easy when I could see my hard work right away rewarded, and when I told God I loved him I could feel it and find affirmation in that. It's easy to measure how well your doing in faith by the actions you produce, and the good you accomplish. My world has been turning upside down because that tree of good works and being perfect is being uprooted and thrown away. I'm being stripped and told to come as I am. Naked and sinful and constantly, blatantly messing up. I can't believe God would love me as I am. It is huge.

Let your affirmation be this; God loves you, and that never changes.

I am

Faithful always

"let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:3

Rest

I always find rest in my bed, not because I sleep there but because I have spent so much time with God there.
The mornings spent in bed are such a comfort to me.
I easily lose sight of this rest because I need to get out of bed and rush off to work, or to some other appointment.
I cherish the mornings where I get to wake up, open my eyes, look around, the close them again and roll around in my comforter.
The baby blanket I always press against my chest.
The down comforter shapes to me exactly.
The pillow with my head shaped into it.
My yellow walls.
Don't miss out on the opportunities to just lay there with God.

Deuteronomy 33:12

"me too"

These words are so small, but carry so much weight. I was confessing everything I've been feeling, and as I wait for a reaction instead I heard a soft "me too.". It was so unexpected. The phrase is our connection to another believer, and even Jesus himself. Broken? Me too. Hurting, lost, confused, anxious, inconsistent, joyful? Me too. Nothing was more crucial in that moment to me then my friend taking off her ministry face and reminding me I'm not alone. I'm not the only one struggling. She was too. We all are.
What is even more amazing is that Jesus went through everything we go through here, and worse. He hears my cry- and he understands. He made the same cry himself. But he was sinless, so he believes we can conquer- he will conquer with us.
"since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested." Hebrews 2:18
"This high priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testing we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy and we will find grace to help us when we need it most" Hebrews 4:15-16
As the ship returns to its dock after a voyage on the ocean, so I return to the lord. He is good. He is faithful. He is in constant pursuit of his creation. He loves us. Return.

Transparency

Share yourself.

2corinthians 11:28, 12:1-11

In my own bed,

I awoke comfortable, yet soar from a traveling body. After hours spent sitting in a upright position, a man coughing and sneezing next to me, and me contorting my body even more uncomfortably to not let the wind of his germs touch me- I am soar. I took to my macbook as a owner takes to their puppy after a long while gone and I checked all my friends blogs, and my bank account which was under the amount I thought it would be. Normally, that would stress me out because October 6 three friends and I are road tripping to and around La. But this morning it didn't. I'm going to go, and enjoy it, with out the thoughts of money weighing me down. I was only gone 9 days, but it feels a lifetime. Home is different. How do I settle back in after being somewhere so different? Living so differently? And being with people who were not the faces I am used too. I am settling back in as I do laundry, and wait for my dear girlfriends to come over and watch "country strong". But I'm pretty sure this trip has changed my course, because it has changed my heart (proverbs 4:23). I'm questioning if I really live a life that demands explanation, or one worthy to my calling. I just haven't been. I've been so safe, everything about how I walk is safe. I surround myself with the tools for Godly living, (what does that even mean?) yet I don't think I'm experiencing it. I always find myself blown away by human beings who aren't Christian because I can see their lives and hear their voices being more "Christian" than my own. Except my faith lies in God, and that is what is different. Differences aside, my friend leads life by example. He takes every opportunity and just jumps in. He doesn't fear, he knows he'll always be provided for. Watching him ables me to believe that I too, can jump in. If a opportunity is there- take it. It's The Lord.
In many of Paul's letters to churches he would explain to them about how he would just long to be with among them but God was not allowing it. In the end of acts God even changes Paul's course by sending a massive storm. Paul is so obedient, he doesn't plan, he just follows. I want to follow with all of me, not just half way. I want to follow Jesus as his disciple, whether my sandals are breaking under the sand or not.

New Orleans 2011

It took me back. The first thing I saw after the airport was a cascade of lights. First thing I felt was the gentle mist of soft warm air across my skin. As my friend Andrew drove I continued gazing at the unknown city. Questions surfacing. Where am I? What am I looking for? What will I find?
Among a porch swing, loud air conditioning, pillow talk, sheets strung as curtains, and new friends I found healing for my soul.
The night before I left I told my friend that I felt the light in me is fading, that I was growing dim. And I was. I became so wrapped up in routine. Everything was scheduled, every moment appointed. Even time with god was on schedule. No matter how long I sat with him and tried to be still, tried to listen- there was a awful silence and chaos consuming my heart. I didn't have anything to give nor offer except for a kind ear. My mouth carried no words. My heart muttered no hymns. And my soul displayed little joy. I tried to create joy, to find my way back to Eden. And even that caused anxiety.
But in New Orleans I awoke.
There was beauty there that I had never seen. And beauty I found in myself and god once
more. I saw it when I let the rain fall onto my hair and down my dress because my two friends decided it'd be a good idea to climb on the edge of a pier and watch the city. Lights flashed, a boat crossed and stirred the water, and the rain dropped like kisses from heaven on my skin. The way the toll bridge lit the sky, yet hid the mystery of the stars. The laughter of the amazing young men beside me being swallowed by the night air. The shivering of my body only added to the experience. A subtle reminder of my humanity. A big reminder of my god.

There was peace in the nights and morning spent upon the porch. Everyone still, silence being heard, god being near in a gentle and modest way. I laid on the wooden swing with the childhood striped sheet wrapped tightly around me. The wood became clouds and took my burdens, and the sheet became like fleece, soft and warm against my cheek. I knew I was where I was supposed to be, and I was fully there.

There was laughter shared in exploration of a unknown and possibly forbidden lost land of color and history. Sneaking through the fence, walking through the overgrown bush, resting under the willow tree. There we found beauty captured by camera, and shared by instagram. New to us all. But known to someone.

There was freedom felt in the music glaring in your ears, and the off key voices singing together. A choir of sweet melodies. Usher, shaggy, Michelle branch, the music of the past bringing together those in the present.

There was friendship being created into the late night talks and testimonies. Sharing stories, fears, secrets, joy, and glances exchanged.

I was there. Not just there in the physical, but in the spiritual, emotional, mental, and whatever else. I was there. I was not divided, I was one. I received beauty, I took each moment as its own unique adventure, teaching, or stilling moment. So where was i, what was i looking for, and what did i find? I was in the old city of new orleans, far away from home, and am taking part of it with me. I was looking to get out and be renewed, and visit friends. But my experience really is about what was found. So much was. Fears were lost, bravery found. Self was found, self was learned and renewed. I found such beauty, peace, and love in new orleans. I found such phemomenal people with amazing hearts. I didnt have to look hard, new orleans was more like a treasure that god just gave to me from his riches. I'm writing this from the airport. Phone plugged into the outlet, and my flight is now being called. I remain found, and i hope not to lose myself again in the day to day. I'm ready for the sweetness of home. And this vacation will stand as a reminder to be all there, to not rush, to not worry, and always play.


"jump now, fear later."

Galatians 5:7-9

I remember the first time I met you,

People had told me about you previously, and you sounded alright. But their words do you no justice now. You are more beautiful and perfect then my own words or brain can explain. I had stood my entire life and fought. I tried to breathe without you. No one has ever fought for me the way you did. No one loves me the way you do. No one listens to me the way you have. You use such patience and grace when it comes to me. I don't understand you, but I l know you. Thanks for knowing me, thanks for loving me.

I remember coming home as soon as possible from school to talk to you, to be with you.
I remember staying up late talking to you, it didn't matter how tired I was the next day.
I remember classmates telling me I was a fool and me being so defensive about our relationship.

Thanks for being my friend, Jesus.

What is sexy?

That was the question my coworkers and I wrestled with today.



It came up when I was conversing with my coworker and she was telling me she no longer felt "sexy", I then asked her what her definition was. So she made a list: positive attitude, calm, nurturing, smart, athletic, well dressed, healthy, good hygiene, and funny.
I made a list as well, but I really just wrote down qualitities described in Proverbs 31, and more of a what a women should be list. My list: hardworking, intelligent, wise, calm, helps the poor, trustworthy, does good, strong and dignified, not fearful nor timid, fears God, attractive but what they do/ who they are not how they look.
Then we looked up the dictionary definition of sexy: 1. concerned predominantly or excessively with sex. 2. Sexually interesting or exciting. 3. Excitingly appealing; glamorous.
Another one of my coworkers made a list and her's was: gentleman, handsome, funny, charming, nice, confident, sweet, sincere, honest, assertive, goal-oriented, and passionate.

In my church we gathered together as young women and processed through what it means to be female, sexual and a christian. We used a white board to break up into sections our thoughts. The worled mixes up our thoughts on who we are supposed to be, and we discovered that the world tell women pretty unhealthy things- and very opposite to the bible. I think being sexy has nothing to do with what is on the outside. It's not large breasts, dark tans, big hair or lips.

In the beggining, Adam and Eve are connected. With each other, the earth, God- they are naked and feel no shame. And they fall, and there is instant disconnection. Rob Bell says in his book Sex God that "The woman is told that there is going to be conflict between her and the man. The man is told that there is going to be conflict between him and the soil. And this is where you and I come in. We were born into a world, into a condition, of disconnection. Things were created to be a certain way, and they're not that way, and we feel it in every fiber of our being. We're severed and cut off and disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it...And so from a early age we have this awareness of the state of disconnection we were born into, and we have a longing to reconnect...the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means 'to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole'. This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect...Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you. It starts with being sexy on the inside."

Secare.Maybe that is why there is such a emphasis on sex being for marriage because the bible says you become one, and when you are one- you are forever connected. And the connection is what being sexual is. Your sexy because you are rooted, you are comfortable.

Being Sexy is loving who you are.

I am content

I sit in the stillness, and I am content.
Content letting go of my worries and misses and accepting the present.
I can feel the rise in my heart beat, longing for what I do not have.
I choose to be content in the path God has me.
I choose to be still with God, ignoring the clothes on the floor that are asking to be picked up.
I can wait, they can wait.
I am content here
Because HE has me.
Because of him, I stand content.

2Corinthians 5:16

"From now on, we regard no one according to the flesh..."- 2Corinthians 5:16. That is, according to worldly standards. When you first read that verse you may think just physical appaearance, but it's not just that. It's a call to forget ones present physical life and possessions. It's a demand to put away our differences and boil us down to what we have in common- being new children in God's eyes. The world has so may different classes: rich, poor, middle class. The church can even have so much pride within it's members, deeming someone so sinful that they wouldn't spend time with them unless they felt it a service. We aren't better then anyone else. I love so much that God blesses me with so many oppurtunities to talk to strangers, just listen, just encourage. To take time out of my day to weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice. I let so many things keep me from people. I'm remembering our equality, and everyones need for God. He died for all of us. ALL OF US. I've been meditating on 2Corinthians 5:16.
Tonight these two girls walked into marini's and they sat at our counter applying more makeup then they were already wearing. I stopped cleaning the counters and I told them that they were so beautiful as they were. And the stories began. They told me they were having a bad day, and they continued to tell me about their lives. One of them was raised in a homeless shelter and in a very unhealthy relationship. The other told me about her fear of being cheated on and that she only dates guys she knows it won't get to serious with. I got too listen. They got to be heard. It didn't matter that they were much older then I was. Or that they were wearing shorter shorts than I would ever wear. It doesn't matter. I can see those things, but I regarded them as Christ does- loved. It was such a blessing. I love strangers. I have been told so many times to not spend time with the homeless, to go home as quickly as I can after work because it's dangerous down town being my age and a girl. And maybe it is, but I don't care. I don't have fear. If there was any way to die or be harmed, I would be blessed if it was after closing when I choose to take the left over strawberries or messed up apples we can't sell and give them to the homeless clan that hangs out on the corner of new leaf every single night. These people have stories. Have you ever asked a homeless person how they got where they are? Have you ever listened to them? I want to overcome barriers, I want to sit, I want to listen. My God loves, cares and listens. Let us not regard anyone according to the flesh.

Opening at Marinis

"My boyfriend Dan wanted to come to my daughters going away party. He told me to call him to wake him up when it started and I told him I would. But I got off the phone and was like 'He'll come if he really wants too, he probably doesn't want too'. And then the next morning he called me and asked why I didn't wake him up and that he was really sad he missed it, and I told him that I figured he was just being polite and didn't actually want to go. And then I realized that he was genuine about it and it was my own insecurity of feeling unimportant because in my last marriage my husband would always tell me he wanted to do things with me that he actually didn't want to do. So I assume that people don't actually want to do things like this with me. Sometimes, you need to relearn how to trust."

My supervisor shared that with me this morning.

I was so amazed at her awareness of that being connected with her reaction. Then I was so amazed at how much I related to the insecurity. I am quick to stop making a effort in a relationship (boy and girl) because I deem myself unimportant. I tell myself "if they really like me, they'll ask me to hang out or talk". Because in so many previous relationships I have been pushed out and not cared for. I call these insecurities scars. Marks left by other people.

I have picked up on this one family where the parents always seem tired and annoyed, every time their kids ask them for something the Dad instantly snaps a "what!?" or "get down from there!". The children scream and make a commotion a lot more then most children I know. There father spends a lot of time at his work, and openly says it is his escape. These kids scream and cause trouble because it is the only way their parents give them attention. They don't realize what they are doing, but I watch them and see the rejection in their faces.

After my supervisor sharing with me I went on filling trays and reflecting on the scars I carry, habits I have formed, where maybe I should learn to trust more, and how I react to things because of relationships before. I was praying and begging God to take them away; So I wouldn't hurt others, so I wouldn't keep myself from things I actually want (maybe even deserve). And for a second I felt the weight of all my insecurity and lack of trust and bravery. Jesus keeps beckoning me to walk through it with him, to work it out.

It is a moment by moment decision of mine to strive to walk in peace, with out fear, and far from insecurity. This is not something that makes me comfortable, but a decision I have made and stick too. "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace" 2Corinthians 14:33. I will choose life because "God has not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" 2Timothy 1:7.


"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30- 31

I will soar. I will run.

I have been meaning to write in this

I was going through my "memory box" I keep in my dresser and it has pictures, emails, but mostly letters. A lot of letters from last summer when I was working at camp, including letters I wrote to myself. (Am I the only one who would write letters and put them in my own box?).

I wrote a letter to myself on 1Timothy 6:6-8, and in it I prayed that I would have contentment within myself and not based off of my surroundings. Contentment.

I wrote a letter about obedience and gave myself the verse of Isaiah 42:20

I wrote a letter titled "God is available, not impossible" with Luke 11:10, John 14:1-2, James 4:8, Isaiah 45:19, and Isaiah 30:19-20.

I wrote a letter titled "Good heart> good works" With Matthew 8:10-13, and Hosea 6:6. I wrote "Knowing God will change your actions, but your actions won't change your knowing God if that is what you are relying on"

These are good reminders for me.

All this crazy prophecy stuff is going on and I felt so heavy under it. God showed his faithfulness to his people, of course, but I heard things, and saw things that really upset me. I understand the frustration of Jeremiah and Isaiah and all the other prophets when they were sent out to speak a truth that saves- and the people didn't care. It's heartbreaking, it's heartbreaking because you feel God's heart breaking. He loves us so much, that I tear up every time I think about it in this way.

I am becoming rather bitter at this time of life.

I am planning a trip to South Carolina and Louisiana and I am really looking forward to it. To feel the newness of God somewhere else. I want to catch fireflies, sink my feet into the sand, and experience joy in the way I remember it. I must get out.

I've read this verse so many times, with out knowing what it actually meant;

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28.

I always thought that "good" in this verse was what I perceived as good, as in 'you'll be happy and comfortable if you love God'. This year God broke down that lie. And now I see this verse exposes it. The word good here is agathon, good in this context actually does not refer to earthly comfort but conformity to Christ and closer fellowship with God. Agathon means you will suffer, but you will be closer, bearing more fruit, and will receive the glory of heaven. Because we know that everything good is in heaven, and everything good on earth is a foreshadow of whats to come.

"Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with patience." Romans 8:24

There is a God who loves

"That you may know the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints," Ephesians 1:18

The inheritance here is not referring to the inheritance of heaven we receive as Christians, but his inheritance of us. God longs to bring us safely home, to inherit us when we arrive at the heavenly gates. This indicates how precious his people are to God. They are what he looks forward to enjoying forever.

There is a God who loves

During the time Paul wrote Ephesians there were many pagan Gods. Everything Paul wrote was in direct contradiction of the Pagan Gods. These pagan Gods were human made, and as I was reading about them in my ESV study bible it made more and more sense to me why they were created. They were in direct opposition with God. They were understood to be fickle, unforgiving, and bound by arbitrary fate. Because we don't understand the goodness of God. We don't understand that this Holy God could care, and want to work with us through life, and be patient with us. We aren't patient with ourselves. It was easier for people to create a God to serve that was much like a reflection of who they were, then to serve the true God who told them that he was set apart, that he would be holy. They couldn't understand the idea that if this God, if this Jesus- was who they said they were- why they were loved? Why they were wanted? How could the creator of all man kind care about the number of hairs on all our heads?


We have a God that loves

Abram had just seen his Father pass,

and The LORD told him to leave the land that his Father desired for him. Abram moves, lies about his wife Sarai, leaves his nephew Lot, and is blessed by Melchizedek. Life has just began again, the flood was finally dried up- and The LORD was reaching to his people. God makes his second promise ever, to Abram (before he becomes Abraham.). Abram felt that he had been cheated a little bit. He's been following this God into the unknown and he still has no children to carry on his name. Having a heir back then was just about the greatest thing you could do, Hebrews were very serious about their genealogies and having sons. Abram is like "God I have no one to be my heir, this man who just lives in my house, Eliezer, will have to inherit it. You have given me no offspring.". And then one of my most favorite replies and images was written: "This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.' And he (God) brought him outside and said, Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be'". Genesis 15:4-5.God has the most beautiful ways of revealing things to us. "Look at the stars, number them". It was impossible for Abram to do that. He had to trust God that he knew the number, and God "counted him righteous because of his faith". It was all Abram wanted, was to have a heir. And God told him that many would be his heir. Although this isn't biblically sound, I could see God and Abram walking amidst the cold night. Abrams toes brushing the sand, God's hand upon his back. I can hear him show Abram the stars, steadily, gently, with intentional pauses, causing Abram to wonder- giving him time to believe. We can't count the stars. Stars were such a wonder in that day, mentioned all throughout the Bible as these things that just screamed God's existence. In the way Christians fall back on the cross, so the Hebrews fell back on the stars. As much as I love and am fascinated with science. Sometimes that knowledge and desire to figure things out, spurs us in the wrong direction. We get stars, we can't count them, but we could give you the laws and equation to figure them out. Stars are this far. It takes this long for a stars light to reach earth. Most of the stars we see are probably dead. Abram didn't see stars as a scientific phenomenon- but the very promise of God. I can imagine during the time Abram was waiting for Sarai to be impregnated he would feel doubt emerging and would quickly walk outside and look at the stars. "I remember these stars, God promised.". God's promises never fail, they are there forever, and they are eternal. We must not try to figure out God and how he will fulfill his promise, but like Abram, believe and cling to that. Tonight I will look at the stars and remember the promise God gave Abram, and remember the promises Jesus gave me.

April 14, 10:49 pm

Foreword: I was deleting some blogs, and I found this, I didn't publish it that night, it was still in my drafts. I'm publishing it now.

I was driving home from a extremely challenging "no boys allowed". I went in my car and began to drive. I turned off the radio, I decided to myself "I need to process with God, time to pray, I won't listen to this the entire ride home.". I didn't have anything to pray, no pressings, no words at all came up. All I heard was lies, complaints, thoughts that were not mine. So I just stopped trying and sat there silently for a while. I had now just passed Morissey exit and was hearing terrible things. Then a line from a song I had previously hated began to play in my head "The waves they keep on telling me time and time again"Boy, you'll never win, You you'll never win But the Voice of truth tells me a different story. The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"." Then I felt like I was supposed to turn on the radio, i looked up and said "The voice of truth is on, isn't it?". I turned k-love on again and it was instead playing "how he loves", it was at the end of the song. I began to cry, and just repeated "I hear you, I hear you". Then with out interruption, or commercial- the voice of truth came on. My cry turned into sobbing, into weeping. Each word was like what I have been trying to communicate. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard, I kind of thought I was going to crash. I didn't make that moment into something that it wasn't, it was what it was, it was what I needed. I didn't pray, no words or insight came about it. Just tears. Just brokenness. but it wasn't this brokenness of condemnation, but of freedom before God. I felt his eyes watching me, as if he was sitting in the passenger seat rubbing my back.

Being a Christian is hard. and the pressure I put on myself, makes it harder, and into something Jesus did not intend. He rebuked the pharisees for not lifting a finger to ease the burden.

Jesus takes us places we don't want to go. "'I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and others will dress you and take you where you don't want to go'...Then Jesus told him 'follow me'" John 21:18-19. John 21 explains everything to me.

I did not know what I was getting myself into when I became a Christian and gave my life to God. Being made hurts. I didn't know I was called to suffering. I didn't know I would feel like such a stranger in my home, school, and world. Jesus wants the best for his kingdom. I have seen Christians make following Christ look like this easy inviting thing, I myself have made it look that way. But whenever Jesus was asked what its like to follow him, his reply was always like "Give up your life. Take up your cross. And follow me.". And that turned a lot of people away. I wonder how seriously I took that reply when I became a Christian. He never said it was going to be easy, Jesus certainly never hid how hard being in the world is. He told us flat out. Few find it. I'm learning what that calling actually means for me. Getting lies out of my head. Seeing dirt be ripped out. Surrender. It is rough. this is not a easy process, I am human. But I would never a thousand times ever, ever, ever, eeeeever take back my decision to follow Christ. I don't always feel like I am lead through cool waters, and by still streams. But I do get all that I ask for, and I have asked for this. I've asked for everything I'm receiving. I'm so glad we don't control or advise God. I'm so glad he doesn't stop when I ask him too, or when I grow weak and weary and want to just drop out. He never forsakes me. He leads, he goes before. I'm not lost, I'm just on my way.

Jesus-

I can't get over your love.
I laugh at the days to come, knowing that all will be spent with you.
I'm weary yet, but so excited.

If you really knew me

You'd know that I don't like soda because of the carbonation, except for Ginger ale and italian sodas. I wash my hands like crazy. I wish I could speak Hebrew fluently. My first kiss was the worst kiss ever. I get bloody noses all the time. One time I got lost on the Eiffel tower and my parents finally found me at a orange juice stand. I'm a hopeful romantic. Red is my favorite color. Being asked questions about the bible or Jesus is my favoritest thing in the world. I'm more scared of the idea of a boyfriend then marriage. I'm a vegetarian. I love musicals. I drove to la when I was in fifth grade to audition for 'all that' and they showed part of my interview on the show. In fifth grade I also received Italian lessons and spoke it fluently for a while. I really want to live in a Victorian type house when I'm married. I would settle for a food size porch with cutesy outdoor furniture. I pull out my hair, it's the worst habit in the world. I have kept journals since 6th grade. I hope for a boy that will enjoy sitting in cars and beaches with me as much as I do. I got a bike for my 18th birthday and I love it so much it's weird. I love reading, but I rarely read anything unbiblically related. psalm 139 is currently my favorite psalm, despite the over read 'you knit me together in my mothers womb' part. Door knobs gross me out. I have never boughten any of my bibles. I love writing, but never do it anymore. I tell god goodmorning and goodnight every day. I still and forever will, sleep with my baby blanket. I wish I could play guitar. I Looooove being in water. I hate staying up late alone, so much. I don't like driving at night. Me and my sister are extremely different. I love receiving text messages. In seventh grade I did a pageant, and sang in the circus. I used to never cry in movies, now I love too, but get really embarrassed about it. I think smacking your lips while eating is the most unattractive thing in the world. Sometimes I feel like a young elf. I'm in a airport writing this. I really admire those around me, like my friends and stuff. Not the airport people. I think I'm pretty funny. I wish I was more quiet in large social settings, but I love people and am kind of outgoing, but I've seen myself become a lot more calm. I think blonde is the greatest hair color. I love having curly hair. I have never been on a mission trip and really want to go on one. I wish I was a little taller. My young looking face embarrasses me a little bit. I hate sleeping in cars, but do it. I love mcdonalds fries. I really look for creativity in a the opposite sex. I love salads. Barbies was me and my sisters biggest past time when we were younger. I'm so good at the electric slide. I love Aaron Carter. Sometimes I snort. In third grade I was sleeping and really had to pee but didn't want to get up, so I just wet the bed and went back to sleep. The next day I had this HUGE pimple on my face and sat next to my crush, so I kept my hand on my face all day. Then my teacher made me put my hand down and it was the most embaraasing thing in the world. I've never been on a date. I've lost a lot of confidence this year. I have never felt angry at god. I love being a virgin. I think people who are real, and share themselves- good and bad; is the most admirable trait in the world.


I hope you appreciated me sharing myself.

Last day of high school,

Summer 2011. This morning I was brushing my teeth and reflecting on where I was this time last year. I was eagerly awaiting camp, and doing everything I could to prepare. And this year I am so exhausted. I'm spritiually, emotionally, and mentally drained. Jeff gave the last talk at 2701, and it reminded me to make the most out of everything, look forward and be dauntless. I've recently discovered that I need to really overcome myself. I keep myself from things that I want because I feel unworthy, and therefore suppress the desire at all. I'm done with being scared of opinions. This summer I want to "seek first the kingdom of God". I want to spend my summer out of comfort, with people who aren't my best friends. I want to not gravitate towards those that I know, but those that Jesus wants me to be with. Seek first the kingdom of God. I want to live this summer, and fall semester to the full. I want to serve, I want to live. "Awake o sleeper arise from the dead".

Two very unconnected thoughts

The Lord teaches you the same things over and over again.
I'm relearning to be real in my emotions.
If I'm dissappointed- then I'll be dissappointed.
Remember to allow yourself to feel.
If you face the good and bad realities with in yourself- and love. You'll be able to face it in others- and love.

Summer is coming. High school is ending.
There's a anxiousness in me of a new bride that has been taken out by her husband, but blind folded. She's eager to see where they are going, she trusts him, but she wants to see.
I'm excited. Where am I going? What will I be doing? Who will I meet?
I'm meeting freedom for a few months, no school for a entire semester. I'll ask to be full time on work. But I intend to: road trip, bike, walk on beaches, enjoy warm nights outside, devote myself to the high school group as a leader, be with people, spend a lot of time with God, be outside, learn, play, be brave, worship, cook, feed the homeless, listen, and do all those things that make life full. I hope you'll join me.

Decisions

I saw myself standing on the shore of an island with raging waters surrounding it. Every step I took towards the water the sand broke away and escaped me. "No turning back". I looked at the water crashing, rising, and seemingly defying all laws of nature. "step out". The sand continued to break away and sink into to the sea, my safe little island was becoming smaller. The ocean begged me "come in, immerse yourself.". "I'll float if I step off, right?" I fought back unexpected tears as I stepped onto the threshold of the ocean. It welcomed me in, and I stayed a float, losing my breath, but I didn't drown.

Here am I

"Take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong. " Hebrews 12:12-13

Stranded, broken, branded
You take all of me
weary from running
weak from trying
you welcome me back
The Father LOVES his children

Shoes

I bought these shoes a while ago for a high price. I saw them and thought they were the cutest things in the world. I slipped them onto my little feet and looked down pleased at the fit. But shoes wear out. No matter how hard I try to protect them, the world ruins them. Mud has gotten on them. They are scuffed. They have worn down. The world ruins things. But every once and a while I will take a towel and wipe them down, and remove all the earth that has spoiled them.






The world can ruin things.
Jesus bought us for a much higher price, and attempts to take care of us (not that he is incapable but he blesses everyone with free will). But the world takes us and stomps on us, walks us through mud, scuffs us. And only Jesus, who cares, can renew us.
Praise God. My heart and flesh surely do fail, but he is my comfort forever.

"I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. but I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me...I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." Philippians 3:12-14

Redemption is here. Press on, and never cease walking.

You reign

It was a psalm 6 day

I woke up at 6:30 as usual, turned off my alarm and went back to sleep. Woke up at 9 again, decided I should go to school. Went for 2 hours then called my Mom and begged her to let me come home, so I left. I came home and sat on the couch for 3 hours and watched 2 different movies, and apologized to God for moping and not choosing over my hopelessness. But I wait upon his restoration more eagerly then people waiting for the ipad2. He will restore me when he pleases. I'm not asking him for a reason as to how or why I've fallen into a sudden pit, I wasn't there when he made the heavens, I certainly won't question him now. He is my precious silver (Job 22:21-25). "But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold...whatever he wants to do, he does." Job 23:10-14.

But I ask him for one thing during this pit- that I will not miss beauty, that I won't forget it, but always recognize it. Today I recognize the beauty of Mother and Daughter making dinner together.







Who even reads this blog haha?

Tonight was refreshing.

It reminded me of the importance of being a woman, laughing, having confidence, sharing yourself, and sharing life with another.
God is making me new, and he will be all of my life.
It's a process I look forward too.
I have a bible study of 5 girls from ages 12-14. Only 2 of them came today, one 12, and one 14.
They think that they are lucky to have me in their life, but truly I am the blessed one.
These girls allow me to be myself, and some how they still think I have it all together and am always right (which of course, I am not).
Today we wandered back to the garden.
Weary, and nervous we took off the fig leaf to find something that we attempted to hide. Wounded flesh. Broken souls, and Jesus.
These 2 girls, taught me a lot today.
Thank you Jesus, for refreshing my soul with your children.
We are all meant to be like children.
Tonight I go to sleep in peace, calling him Yahweh Shalom.

Yahweh Micaddesh

That means the LORD who sanctifies in Hebrew.

sanc·ti·fy :

1.to make holy; set apart as sacred; consecrate.

2.to purify or free from sin: Sanctify your hearts.

3.to impart religious sanction to; render legitimate or binding: to sanctify a vow.

4.to entitle to reverence or respect.

5.to make productive of or conducive to spiritual blessing.

And I heard him say: " 'Come now, lets settle this,' says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool." Isaiah 1:18

So I'm coming.

Timshel- thou mayest

"Remember to be real. I've built this idea that it's holy to act in love, and to politely ask how people are. Romans 12 says to not pretend to love others but to really love them. So God desires truth- not a fig leaf. You may appear holy on the outside by smiling and nodding- but if The Lord has showed me anything its that the inside of the cup should be cleaned before the outside. So if we continue to fake, and put on smiles. That is all we'll be. Why appear holy in areas that your not? If you give up the image, you might actually receive it. Fear of men is dumb when God sees all. Time to get real so that I may truly be transformed. If we don't give it all, we don't receive it all. I want truth- to be real in my sin so that the holy spirit will really transform me."

I wrote this recently in my journal, this year has been so many things. God has transformed me in SO many ways. The phrase of 'letting go' has come up consistently. I'm glad that Jesus is continually making me more real and more present. I love that the course of becoming real, and being made by God is messy and that he wants us to come along and follow him.

"No one is ever united with Christ until he is willing to relinquish not sin only, but his whole way of looking at things. To be born from above of the spirit of God means that we must let go before we lay hold... What our Lord wants us to present to Him is not goodness, nor honesty, nor endeavor, but real solid sin; that is all he can take from us. And what does He give in exchange for our sin? Real solid righteousness. But we must relinquish all pretense of being anything, all claim of being worthy of God's consideration. The the spirit of God will show us what further we need to relinquish...Am I willing to relinquish my hold on all I possess, my hold on my affections, and on everything, and to be identified with the death of Jesus Christ? There is always a sharp disillusionment to go through before we do relinquish...When he sees himself in light of The Lord, the shame and horror and the desperate conviction come home. If you are up against the question of relinquishing, go through the crisis, relinquish all, and God will make you fit for all that he requires of you" -Oswald Chambers.

Relinquish- to release or let go.

2Corinthians talks about a holy sorrow that leads you to repentance. (2Corinthians 7:9-11).


It occurred to me today that God never just does things for you, he isn't made specially for you- but for everyone. The way he used Mary as a host for Jesus. He prepares us for another, or rather for himself. Nothing we go through is with out purpose. Therefore I hope I will always have the same reply Mary had in light of her pregnancy "I am the Lord's servant" (Luke 1:38).


"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28.


In Isaiah 1:24 and Psalm 46:7 (and probably other verses), the hebrew name for God is used "Yahweh-Sabaoth"- The Lord of Hosts. Host in hebrew literally means to horde, both angels and humans. He is the host of everything. This name implies majesty, power, and authority.

I like this video

Eyes wide open

I went to vintage church Sunday night and was really challenged by the message. We took a different look on Genesis 1,2, and 3.
Notice how the serpent tempts Eve, it is in all the right ways; he twists God's words, and encourages a desire for wisdom in her- telling her she is missing out from not eating the tree. She wonders, and takes the fruit. The downfall of man. It reveals everything about the rest of the Bible-the spiritual warfare, the love, the mistakes, the hiding, the seeking.
When we intentionally sin it is because we think we are missing out. "God wrote this law to restrict me,not to free me- I want this". Sin questions God's goodness. And it always has. Sin kills relationships. It killed ours between God until he redeemed it. It kills friendships, marriages, etc. Sin is death, sin kills. So why did God give us the choice to eat the fruit or not? He wanted lovers- not robots.
Something I never put together about Genesis was the reaction God had to the first disobedience EVER: "Where are you?" Genesis 3:8-9. Right after Adam and Eve sin they hide from God (as we try too), and he knows where they are- but again he offers them the chance to reply. So where are you? God sought after his creation, that was his initial response- a shepherd after a sheep. Truly, he never has, and never will change.

The sermon then began to talk about vulnerability- a recent common topic among friends. I can't speak for all of America, but I an speak for California. We live in a society that is seriously spiritually deprived. Our reaction to someone non-stop crying or showing weakness is to take them to the doctor and get them anti-depressants. We are embarrassed by emotion, we numb it. But when you numb vulnerability- you numb everything. No wonder God had people in the old testament wear ashes and torn clothes to show their remorse- he knows that when you begin to cry easier: you laugh easier. So why work to suppress what God has given me? Adam and Eve revealed a truth about humans- we hide, we are naked and feel shame. They cover up, they put on fig leaves. We can use even the most holy things as our fig leaves, as our way to hide or numb. I believe that prayer is a way that I will use as an excuse, "I'll pray for you" with out doing anything for them, "Ok God, I give it to you" and then push away all other emotion because I've given it to God, because it's "over" now. No. God puts us where he puts us, I'm not asking him to change it according to my desire anymore, my comfort means nothing to me (or I am striving to have it be that way). God is in control. I've been asking to be present in hard times, rather than be strong carry on type thing. I want to be brave, I want to believe and take seriously what Jesus said and did. I want to choose love and commitment over protection. How did Jesus handle emotion? Anger, weeping bitterly, going off to be alone- but never did he hide it. One of his last words on the cross was "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?". We long to be known, and fear it so. Why bother? The one who matters knows everything about me.

Lord, you win me over by the beauty of your character.

Something else I have bee realizing- my self consumption. Not just in action, but in words. "I want to be this, I want this, I, I ,I".
I wish I could forget myself, forget who I am- and just remember God. If I concentrated less on my faults or deeds, surely I would see and know God more. Everything belongs to God. I always think about who I am, or who I want to be, and what God is doing in my life. But it should just be what God is doing. I once heard that humility is not self hate or not acknowledging your talents, but appreciating something that is in yourself, just as much as you would if that same thing was in another. It all goes back to God, and comes from him.

My friends and I watched a documentary which inspired a lot of thoughts in me- in the documentary (furious love) a man went traveling around and filmed spiritual warfare, what light looks like in darkness. They went out and prayed over people and healed people. They really believed what they were doing, they expected that God would preform miracles through them.

I underestimate God's power with my life. No wonder he doesn't give healing to every person I pray for- sometimes I don't actually think he will, or it's not their time, or why should he? I ask God for healing, but I don't expect it. I should expect God to come through, not because I deserve it or anything, but because that is who he is- a God who comes through. I don't have faith that he will show his glory. It shocks me when he does. This is wrong, this is really wrong. If I really knew God I would know that we were made to show his glory, and that he gives freely, knows no boundaries and wants to heal his children (and preform other miracles). I've been asking myself, what kind of God do I think I am serving? Sometimes my thoughts are so twisted about him. He is love. He would go to the end of the earths for his children. And I love him, he is my best friend- he knows he is. But I want to know him more, call him by his first name- holy. Call him Father, the way Jesus did. The thing that really got me about this video was God himself. His hand is here working in peoples lives, how do teachers and parents expect me to do homework when God is alive? I need to live the gospel- to get past myself and love who and what is in front of me. The holy spirit needs to fill every part of me. From time to time I really become aware of the whole "me factor" how much of my relationship with God orbits around how I'm feeling, and what I'm putting into the relationship. Everything is off unless I'm on fire for him. The question "How much do I love Jesus?" is stupid, I want it to be focused on "How much does Jesus love me?". My love is not inspiring, it does not move mountains- it is the love of Christ that does. I want to show who God is, not who I am. I want to present the message, not my thoughts on the message. My complaints are petty. Petty. I don't want to sing I don't like this song, I don't want to go to school I'm too tired, I can't go out looking like this, there's no food in my house, I'm misunderstood,I can't ask this person if they need prayer they'll think I'm crazy, I don't know how to love this person, etc. Thinking about myself is so overwhelming- no wonder I get stressed out. Concentrating on what you need to do will destroy you. I want to lose myself, I want to think only about God.

Father, change me. Let me see you, and keep my heart on the things most high.


Thanks for reading this rant, pray that I'll lose myself.

And I can feel it.

And I can hear it.
The silent symphony of all creation, singing and celebrating to their creator.
Trees grow upward with branches that rise up, because they are in need of light.
We're all like trees in that way, reaching for light.
We need God.
We're aliens on this earth, but we are known; because he is known.
Everything about earth is longing for heaven, longing for its savior.
The day is coming. The day is here.
A patient romance.
Romance musn't be fast, if love is patient. God is patient. Not demanding his own way.
Quiet screams, loving out reached hand.
I reach for it, then remember it has always been there.
I love you the same, I love you always. I'm glad I am yours, that is more important to me- because you are not just mine. Your the worlds.

Showcasing Dad's photography (press for bigger)

It's time to give up

My thoughts of who I am, and who I think I'm supposed to be.

Be made new. Be made.

I love these nights

When you remember we are just people.
Not just faces- we have stories.

Why do I have to be so

Human.

I pinpointed

the discomfort I have there- it's loneliness. Misunderstanding.
and I have no idea how to communicate that.
The only comfort I have is God, and I am running again and again to him- naturally.
And I love that this has become a quality I carry.
Those I desire to speak too seem so unavaliable.
But God is there, always there for me.



Love you God, a simple and pure love, and thats pretty much it.

Submission

God is so overwhelming John is right when he said "Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written." (John 21:25)
So many thoughts bouncing around in my head.
Biggest one: I'm not particularly good at being a Christian or loving God, but I just love him. I only love him. I love him so much, and my simple desire to love him- has been becoming before my desire for anything else.
I mess up, but I just love him.
He is enough (and then some).

Unravel

This occured to me while I was driving and in prayer for a friend, then I sent this to my friend: Knitting is a familiar thing to a lot of my friends, but I don't need to know how to knit (which I don't) to understand this: Only when the yarn is unraveled does it become something beautiful, until then it is just another ball of yarn. So unravel, be weak, let go- God is the creator. I tell you the truth, the yarn will never tell the creator that they should use a different pattern.

God is good.

"Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night...for God gives rest to his loved ones." palm 127:1-2
be weary that when a builder is about to build a new house, they usually have to knock down what was there before. Until God does the work in you himself, only then will it last. Our work is useless and temporary, let the Lord work.

lately,

I have been so inspired, and so in love with God.
It's interesting because I am repenting constantly because I have been noticing how sinful I am, and Lord knows how much I hate my sinful nature. (is this what it feels like to recognize sin, but give it to God? Has he always wanted me to acknowledge me as sinful, him as God, and feel light and not weighed down?) But today he told me "If you didn't have sin in you, you would be perfect. You'd be me, and thats not your job friend."
And of course, I am relieved at that. I'm not God, I am going to sin against others, against myself.
And I really hate that, but I am free from the penalty of sin. Praise God, always.
So I'm broken, and relying on God, but am strong and joyful in it. This is new. Brokenness always looks different, or feels different, it always feels just so...helpless and sad...broken. But this is the response God desires.

We're all just messed up. Praise God

you said it Paul,

"When I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind...Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will set me free from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." Romans 7:21-25

I'm satisfied at the thought that

everything is set in its place
me,you,the galaxy, exactly where God wants us, not a second out of his placement.

NOUGH

.....NO

God is my shepherd

I created a series for my 7th,8th, and one freshmen small group called "God is my..."
This week the phrase is "God is my shepherd"
so I studied sheep, they were one of the first animals domesticated from Europe to create fleece. So they were raised for a purpose. We said God is our shepherd and we are sheep.
Sheep don't know what to do with themselves, they are such a stupid animal, and fall over and can't get back up. They need a shepherd to herd them, provide, and lift them up.
The underlying theme was provision and reliance on God.
So God is my shepherd, and I am a sheep.
Psalm 23.

Your my best friend

"I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried for you even before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime- until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you" Isaiah 46:3-4