This is going to be honest

For the most part, this blog has never even been about me. It's only about God, it really is, I knew it would be. It's because he delivers me wit wisdom, and what use is wisdom if it is not shared or lived out? If God prompts me to say something, even if that means being humiliated, I would LOVE to for him. And I KNOW the importance of being bold in your faith. I never mean to boast about what I'm doing in my life, because I don't do anything of importance, but I do boast about what God is doing. And he does a lot. Without him I undoubtedly know I'd be nothing, nothing. My life has no purpose if not to serve him, and try my hardest. I get lost, I get tossed around, but all the grace I've been blessed with him is all his doing. I didn't know when starting this blog what I'd write, who would read it, what would be the reaction of others. And I truly didn't care, because I know whats important to me, and I love to share. I believe in people sharing, and why not share about the glory of my heavenly father? I expected 2 reactions: 1. people to be inspired towards furthering a relationship with God, 2. people to be totally annoyed and think I believe I'm all that/ a holy roller annoying Jesus freak. And those reactions are fine. Because I know what I'm called to do. And I love the fact that because I love and openly share about God, some people don't like me for that. I love it. That sounds weird, but I mean if someone could seriously dislike me just because I like God, then that is their insecurity. And makes sense to me. In a weird way I feel God protecting me by keeping certain people close, and other people at a far distance from me.I don't talk about God to people who don't want to hear it, if they have questions, fine with me if God presents a oppurunity and words to answer them with. But if they hate it, it won't come up, but I'm sticking to who I am, and all that is: is who I am in Christ. I know how touchy the idea of God can be, great, I would NEVER mean to come off abrasive. I may put myself out there in weird ways, outgoing ways that don't even have to do with God. And thats partly due to my personality, and partly do to my confidence in God. I believe in certain things, and thats why I'll use certain words, or do thing that seem odd. But it makes sense to me. This is just who I am. I have a strong love for people, I always have. I always wanted to be looked at as the girl who you could trust or count on, who you'd want to seek for advice. (whether I live that out or not, whatevah.) I think loving people is beyond important, and not just for the good point, but their faults too. I like people who don't like me. I always have, even before I was a Christian. I think it's a issue how many people look up to me because of my faith. I don't want to be your idle, but I do wanna be your friend. My faith is great at times, but at other times it's not. As much as I would love to be like "i'm like no one you'll ever meet, I'm so wise and I am friends with everyone. I'm way to cool for high school" that would be a lie. Thats not how I think of myself at all. I love myself, because God loves me, I have always been confident. No not in the physical sense, but just as a person. And I think thats important. A lot of times my joy rubs off on people, and I'm always glad to help anyone. But some people seek me out because they think I'm perfect, or that I have great insight. I don't think I'm any of that. I have put so much prayer and thought into my words and actions. Because I know weary people listen to me, for whatever the reason people (not all) trust me. And I try to be great example because god calls me too, but also because I am such a self-proclaimed Christian and if I stumble: people notice. I get the whole "she's a Christian and bla and she does this". Ah no, don't think because I do something wrongly that its ok. In those sinful areas is where I receive my grace, but always better yourself for yourself, out of your love for God. I have no idea what this blog is about or going. But it was honest. Because lately I've been catching myself saying things I don't really mean, not lies, but just random things that I just say. And I'm working on only saying things that I actually mean not wondering how that person will take it. I don't want to say things to keep up some sort of facade of perfection. In the way that I love others, it's my greatest hope that others will love me for all that I am. I believe in living with harmony with one another, especially if your brothers and sisters in Christ. And of course to any unbelievers or lost sheep. Words are like pearls, they have meaning, don't waste them, use them with good intentions.
Bottom line: I just wanna be me,Whoever I might be that moment.

what

am i doing!!!!!?

I wrote a poem

feet, heart, and mind are sinking deeper
into my thick skull where I am altogether too blinded to notice anything
I wake up gasping for air
grabbing a hold of nearby sheets
but even they want to slip away
the decision of getting up has become harder then any other
time might as well stop altogether
it couldn't be going by any slower
walking voices creep into my ears
a little encouraging
a little deceitful
my words aren't coming out
only tears are

I've been so consumed with everyone elses thoughts

Why have I been worried about what others think of me? I usually don't, but I have been feeling time warped. No doubt middle school was horrible for me, the lack of joy I had was obvious. I now know that it was God missing from my life, and thats why I felt so hopeless and lonely. But certain events trigger those emotions again, even though I'm obviously in a different (better) place in my life. All I wanted to do in middle school was to grow up, so I spent a lot of time in high school trying to "grow down". But after realizing who I was in Christ is all that I am here, I was happy to finally have settled. No longer like a wave in the ocean back and forth, I knew, I know who I am. And I guess because I am young I've always resented it's limits. In middle school I was certainly out of control, my parents didn't know how to "fix" me. I'd get in trouble, then try to prove to them that I was ok again and they could trust me, then I'd just get in trouble again. And all I ever wanted was their trust, not because I adored them or anything, but because I wanted freedom. I wanted to be able to leave my house whenever, and do whatever and have them not care, I'm pretty sure I believed that my life would be better if they didn't love me or care what I did. Of course all I want is their love and for them to be proud of me now. But I've always been searching for freedom, in the wrong places. In my physical worldly life. And because of the whole I hit a car incident, everything (ok, not everything) has been trash. None of my family is trusting me to drive. ALL I WANTED was my license, so I could claim my independence, go where I wanted, hang out with my closest friends, and have another attempt at being free. But I had no car, but I knew one was coming for me soon. And now thats trashed, and it's frustrating. Ever since becoming a Christian and doing everything that I do, acting the way I do, treating the way I treat people, everyone has noticed. Frequently I get "your every parents dream" or "Your parents must be so proud", and they aren't. I know it's because they don't know me, to them I haven't changed at all from this pathetic 7th grader who wanted to die. And I hate that feeling, because I'm not her, but I have no way to prove it to them. I thought that if I got my license it would be less of a struggle showing them that I'm worth loving, that I was able to be trusted as much as my sister is and was. And I think for like 4 days they were getting the idea that I was a trustable driver. Then I made the worst mistake ever. I meant to press break, but I pressed gas, my mind and everything was in the right place, IT WAS A MISTAKE. And my patience is so limited towards this subject, I WAS SO CLOSE. I find myself lately at home crying and frustrated with myself, just like in 7th grade, and wondering why I'm not driving or out having fun. My parents let me do what I want, because I make good decisions, I deserve the trust and freedom. But I'm tired of not having rides, no one understands how FRUSTRATING it is to never be able to get anywhere, it stresses me out. It's ridicleous. I get rides to and from school from friends, I'm tired of being a burden on peoples life. I believe in serving without expectations and being nice just to be nice, but a lot of my friends don't, and I'm tired of feeling like I owe them. All I keep thinking is these lyrics to this song: "I want to get out but all I keep hearing is 'no your not ready, no it's not time yet, no not right now, wait until your older'". IT'S TIME, I can't stand not being able to get out. I'm tired of proving myself to my family, to my friends, to anyone. And thats where I feel I'm at a time warp, I feel like a frustrated 7th grader that didn't know how to do anything right. And I'm happy spiritually and mentally and everything, but there has just been this huge gaping frustrated monster that lurks me when I think of having my license, AND SITTING HERE. It wasn't supposed to be like this. And I don't see the purpose of why this happened. And then I have also been feeling like I need to have approval of people. Usually people never talk about but I feel like a lot of people have been, and I don't think they are all good thoughts. And I don't want to work to prove myself to them, they don't know me, I don't want them to know me, I don't want to know them, so keep my name out of your mouths. I'm hoping things about that situation aren't as bad as I think. I can't even talk about that one. I absolutely can't stand how this thought is going through my head: "I'll just wait it out, it'll blow over, and I'll be ok". And I will, but I used to tell myself that all the time in middle school; wait until your parents trust you, wait until this person likes you, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm tired of waiting, time is moving by all too slowly. I hate it, I just want to leave this house, I just want to drive, I just want a car, I just want my families support.

I put this poster on my ceiling

Yes, that one. It first started out to be things that I should always pray for, but now it's also for the purpose I need to be reminded who I belong too, Christ. What each thing means:

"Trust God is good": I need to remember God isn't out to trick me, out to harm me, or ever dissapointed or angry with me. That is not the God I follow. This reminds me to be faithful and loving because he is, to always turn to him because he loves me.

"Wisdom": I can't forget to pray for wisdom, because wisdom originally means "truth" and truth back in the day only had to do with religion. Therefore God is truth, and I want him. I need biblical and true wisdom for my life.

"Stay centered on: Scripture, Love, Hope":
Scripture: I need to pray before and after I read scripture. Before so I can concentrate, hear god speak, and absorb. After so I can remember the words and meaning, and really apply it to my life, actions, and attitude.
Love: It's so important to stay centered in love, act only out of love, and spread love. Love for myself, my Lord, and for others. If all my actions, thoughts and words are loving, then I am doing what God calls me to do. Of course I am not close to having every action out of love, but I want to remember to keep praying for the love of my savior, love for others, and love for myself.
Hope: I want to remember what a great hope and future is in store to me because God is real. His promises of heaven, salvation, his plan for me, I need to remain hopeful because of what IS promised to me not what IS NOT. And I want to spread hope, and pray fr God to plant hope in others. I need to remember the inconsistency I'm faced with right now, but the faith I have in God is consistent and hopeful.

inspired by James and Twin Lakes Church

THANK GOD he made my manager schedule me late today so I as actually able to go to morning Church, clearly he wanted me there. Because the message was made for me, it as so freeking relatable. Because I had this weird issue with God lately (look at other blogs) and I could not figure out where all this distance with me and him was coming from. I knew it was my fault. I'm the kind of person who believes in making the best decision possible, the most holy, the most safe, one that is examplatory, and I always pray about big decisions (of course that isn't wrong or anything). But IT STRESSES ME OUT, I sometimes worry so much about my decisions and what people will think of me, more then what God will think of me. And that is crazy! When making a decision I try to look at all positive and negatives and every side and all that bla, and the future bla bla, and there are so many verses that tell you not to worry. So say "Uh how could I be worried?" and it may calm me for a second, but I don't always live that out. But it came in loud and clear today. I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. People put so much pressure on me and on themselves to be perfect, completely forgetting whom they should be living for. With decisions I realized the simple beauty: God is more powerful then my decisions. Our pastor at tlc (Rene) talked about how when he makes decisions he often feels like he'll be "missing the dot". Meaning that there are a pile of dots, and only one of them are the right one. Like we are faced with so many decisions and only one of them is God's will. And thats a lot of times how my thinking is: "I need to pray about this, God has to be included! I want to serve him, and stick to his will..straight path bla.". And I get so caugt up in being scared that I'll make a wrong decision and God will be there shaking his head at me, waiting to punish me. Thats wrong. Where did this idea that God gets dissapointed and wants to punish us come from? Greek mythology, made up Gods, not the Bible, which is full truth. And I am not following a greek God, I'm following my God, the God who has ALWAYS existed. And know what is really great about my God? HE ADORES ME. God is good, as simple as that. He isn't waiting for you to fail anytime a decision comes along, he isn't up in cloud with a lightening bolt at hand to throw at you. But he's waiting to hold you when you feel at your lowest, give you strength when you know you couldn't go on any longer. At Church Rene showed us verses from 1Corinthians that literally say "if you want to marry, marry, make the decision". And our decisions aren't always about marriage, but we do have a lot. And THE BIBLE says to make your decisions yourself, ya that simple, do what you feel is right. Because I so often forget that God isn't going to punish me for making the wrong decision. But whats even stupider is that somewhere in my mind, saying that, is doubting his power. And he is powerful, no matter what I do, I don't change him, or our relationship. I can't hinder it, I can't impress him, and I definetly can't lose him. So what do I get so scared of? I think it's more dissapointing people around me, more then God. His grace has found me just as I am, empty handed but alive in his hands. I thought about it like this: One time I had to rely on this navigator to get me somewhere that I didn't know how to get there myself. The naigator took me to really strange places that I just didn't feel were right, I kep thinking know I want to get on the freeway, I choose this way. I kept not following it's directions. And everytime I chose my own way it would say "redirecting" so that I'd end up where I'm supposed to be. That is what God does with our lives. No matter what decisions we make, we always end up where he wants us, because he knows how to get u there. His purpose will always prevail. Gosh this is was all so simple, and so freeing for me. God you are so good, I'm desperately in love with you.

Finally

I felt my spirit shift today, I actually felt God while reading the Bible. So I was all real excited. And then I came home.

I need grace

I can NOT hear God lately. I haven't been feelings his presence. Everything has been fine, but he has not been on my mind. When I read the Bible I barely even think about it, or get inspired. I haven't been challenging myself to grow in Christ or to be more Christ like lately. It's not that I am wavering in faith, I just don't know where my head has been. I need grace, I need to listen. I need God's presence

I never thought

That I would be who I am right now, my childhood and middle school years were different (to say the least) then my closest friends. I never thought that every heartbreak I endured, every prayer I faked, every gossip I blurted, every boy I liked, would have lead me to God in such a obvious way. I never thought I would rather be at church or with church goers then hanging out with my school group. I never thought I would give up my "popular status" and not care about it anymore. I NEVER thought I would go to school and not wear makeup, turns out I haven't in like a year and a half. I never thought I'd be friends with he friends I have now. I never thought that I'd be in the most wonderful relationship I am in right now. I never thought I would heal from certain things I've gone through. I never thought I would get to call myself a Christ follower, or God my everything. I never thought I'd realize his truth. I just never thought.
But I'm thinking now, and how a certain string of unholy events could lead you to find something so perfect. I'm thinking about my future, and where God and I will go next. I'm thinking of what he is doing in my life right now, I'm thinking "Where is my head?" lately. I'm knowing that I would absolutely HATE it if the people who are the closest to me right now, weren't in my life. I'm thinking I couldn't bare to let them go, or have distance at all. I'm thinking my family has been so great lately, I think Mom and Dad actually are proud of me, despite hitting that car last night.
Lots of thoughts, the end

everything is right in it's place

And I don't wanna budge, in fear that I might ruin it.
Is it more important to just be who you are, or just who God wants you to be?
I know I want to be who God wants me to be.
I think I might have to rebalance myself.

dear possibly faithful blog followers

Sorry for the pause, Ive been busy lately, barely getting in 7 hours of sleep, which has left me exhausted and restless. I also decided no longer to post my blogs on facebook, you'll actually have to care to read them, or check in and what not.

So things have been, I haven't been so back and forth lately....until today.
A lot of people will tell me that I have great insight of I'm very wise because I analyze and think so much, about anything. But honestly it's frustrating, I wouldn't call myself indecisive, more like cautious. Very cautious. I literally have to tell myself to shut up, and pray to God for slumber, just so I can fall asleep at all. Speaking of which, God why can I not hear you lately? Usually I know what he wants me to know, but it's not his absence that is hindering our relationship, it's mine. And I'm just in a little pause, maybe I've been so distracted? Or how I haven't been praying as much, ad when I do it's just "lord please calm this, give me this, help this, deliver me fruit. bla". At the moment i'm calm and actually am going to go to sleep earlier then usual. But today, I almost cried (I don't ever cry) just because I didn't feel cared for, I couldn't explain it. Words couldn't suffice.

I'm repeatedly telling myself: JUST BREATHE.