I remember the first time I met you,

People had told me about you previously, and you sounded alright. But their words do you no justice now. You are more beautiful and perfect then my own words or brain can explain. I had stood my entire life and fought. I tried to breathe without you. No one has ever fought for me the way you did. No one loves me the way you do. No one listens to me the way you have. You use such patience and grace when it comes to me. I don't understand you, but I l know you. Thanks for knowing me, thanks for loving me.

I remember coming home as soon as possible from school to talk to you, to be with you.
I remember staying up late talking to you, it didn't matter how tired I was the next day.
I remember classmates telling me I was a fool and me being so defensive about our relationship.

Thanks for being my friend, Jesus.

What is sexy?

That was the question my coworkers and I wrestled with today.



It came up when I was conversing with my coworker and she was telling me she no longer felt "sexy", I then asked her what her definition was. So she made a list: positive attitude, calm, nurturing, smart, athletic, well dressed, healthy, good hygiene, and funny.
I made a list as well, but I really just wrote down qualitities described in Proverbs 31, and more of a what a women should be list. My list: hardworking, intelligent, wise, calm, helps the poor, trustworthy, does good, strong and dignified, not fearful nor timid, fears God, attractive but what they do/ who they are not how they look.
Then we looked up the dictionary definition of sexy: 1. concerned predominantly or excessively with sex. 2. Sexually interesting or exciting. 3. Excitingly appealing; glamorous.
Another one of my coworkers made a list and her's was: gentleman, handsome, funny, charming, nice, confident, sweet, sincere, honest, assertive, goal-oriented, and passionate.

In my church we gathered together as young women and processed through what it means to be female, sexual and a christian. We used a white board to break up into sections our thoughts. The worled mixes up our thoughts on who we are supposed to be, and we discovered that the world tell women pretty unhealthy things- and very opposite to the bible. I think being sexy has nothing to do with what is on the outside. It's not large breasts, dark tans, big hair or lips.

In the beggining, Adam and Eve are connected. With each other, the earth, God- they are naked and feel no shame. And they fall, and there is instant disconnection. Rob Bell says in his book Sex God that "The woman is told that there is going to be conflict between her and the man. The man is told that there is going to be conflict between him and the soil. And this is where you and I come in. We were born into a world, into a condition, of disconnection. Things were created to be a certain way, and they're not that way, and we feel it in every fiber of our being. We're severed and cut off and disconnected in a thousand ways, and we know it...And so from a early age we have this awareness of the state of disconnection we were born into, and we have a longing to reconnect...the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means 'to sever, to amputate, or to disconnect from the whole'. This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect...Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you. It starts with being sexy on the inside."

Secare.Maybe that is why there is such a emphasis on sex being for marriage because the bible says you become one, and when you are one- you are forever connected. And the connection is what being sexual is. Your sexy because you are rooted, you are comfortable.

Being Sexy is loving who you are.

I am content

I sit in the stillness, and I am content.
Content letting go of my worries and misses and accepting the present.
I can feel the rise in my heart beat, longing for what I do not have.
I choose to be content in the path God has me.
I choose to be still with God, ignoring the clothes on the floor that are asking to be picked up.
I can wait, they can wait.
I am content here
Because HE has me.
Because of him, I stand content.

2Corinthians 5:16

"From now on, we regard no one according to the flesh..."- 2Corinthians 5:16. That is, according to worldly standards. When you first read that verse you may think just physical appaearance, but it's not just that. It's a call to forget ones present physical life and possessions. It's a demand to put away our differences and boil us down to what we have in common- being new children in God's eyes. The world has so may different classes: rich, poor, middle class. The church can even have so much pride within it's members, deeming someone so sinful that they wouldn't spend time with them unless they felt it a service. We aren't better then anyone else. I love so much that God blesses me with so many oppurtunities to talk to strangers, just listen, just encourage. To take time out of my day to weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice. I let so many things keep me from people. I'm remembering our equality, and everyones need for God. He died for all of us. ALL OF US. I've been meditating on 2Corinthians 5:16.
Tonight these two girls walked into marini's and they sat at our counter applying more makeup then they were already wearing. I stopped cleaning the counters and I told them that they were so beautiful as they were. And the stories began. They told me they were having a bad day, and they continued to tell me about their lives. One of them was raised in a homeless shelter and in a very unhealthy relationship. The other told me about her fear of being cheated on and that she only dates guys she knows it won't get to serious with. I got too listen. They got to be heard. It didn't matter that they were much older then I was. Or that they were wearing shorter shorts than I would ever wear. It doesn't matter. I can see those things, but I regarded them as Christ does- loved. It was such a blessing. I love strangers. I have been told so many times to not spend time with the homeless, to go home as quickly as I can after work because it's dangerous down town being my age and a girl. And maybe it is, but I don't care. I don't have fear. If there was any way to die or be harmed, I would be blessed if it was after closing when I choose to take the left over strawberries or messed up apples we can't sell and give them to the homeless clan that hangs out on the corner of new leaf every single night. These people have stories. Have you ever asked a homeless person how they got where they are? Have you ever listened to them? I want to overcome barriers, I want to sit, I want to listen. My God loves, cares and listens. Let us not regard anyone according to the flesh.

Opening at Marinis

"My boyfriend Dan wanted to come to my daughters going away party. He told me to call him to wake him up when it started and I told him I would. But I got off the phone and was like 'He'll come if he really wants too, he probably doesn't want too'. And then the next morning he called me and asked why I didn't wake him up and that he was really sad he missed it, and I told him that I figured he was just being polite and didn't actually want to go. And then I realized that he was genuine about it and it was my own insecurity of feeling unimportant because in my last marriage my husband would always tell me he wanted to do things with me that he actually didn't want to do. So I assume that people don't actually want to do things like this with me. Sometimes, you need to relearn how to trust."

My supervisor shared that with me this morning.

I was so amazed at her awareness of that being connected with her reaction. Then I was so amazed at how much I related to the insecurity. I am quick to stop making a effort in a relationship (boy and girl) because I deem myself unimportant. I tell myself "if they really like me, they'll ask me to hang out or talk". Because in so many previous relationships I have been pushed out and not cared for. I call these insecurities scars. Marks left by other people.

I have picked up on this one family where the parents always seem tired and annoyed, every time their kids ask them for something the Dad instantly snaps a "what!?" or "get down from there!". The children scream and make a commotion a lot more then most children I know. There father spends a lot of time at his work, and openly says it is his escape. These kids scream and cause trouble because it is the only way their parents give them attention. They don't realize what they are doing, but I watch them and see the rejection in their faces.

After my supervisor sharing with me I went on filling trays and reflecting on the scars I carry, habits I have formed, where maybe I should learn to trust more, and how I react to things because of relationships before. I was praying and begging God to take them away; So I wouldn't hurt others, so I wouldn't keep myself from things I actually want (maybe even deserve). And for a second I felt the weight of all my insecurity and lack of trust and bravery. Jesus keeps beckoning me to walk through it with him, to work it out.

It is a moment by moment decision of mine to strive to walk in peace, with out fear, and far from insecurity. This is not something that makes me comfortable, but a decision I have made and stick too. "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace" 2Corinthians 14:33. I will choose life because "God has not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" 2Timothy 1:7.


"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30- 31

I will soar. I will run.

I have been meaning to write in this

I was going through my "memory box" I keep in my dresser and it has pictures, emails, but mostly letters. A lot of letters from last summer when I was working at camp, including letters I wrote to myself. (Am I the only one who would write letters and put them in my own box?).

I wrote a letter to myself on 1Timothy 6:6-8, and in it I prayed that I would have contentment within myself and not based off of my surroundings. Contentment.

I wrote a letter about obedience and gave myself the verse of Isaiah 42:20

I wrote a letter titled "God is available, not impossible" with Luke 11:10, John 14:1-2, James 4:8, Isaiah 45:19, and Isaiah 30:19-20.

I wrote a letter titled "Good heart> good works" With Matthew 8:10-13, and Hosea 6:6. I wrote "Knowing God will change your actions, but your actions won't change your knowing God if that is what you are relying on"

These are good reminders for me.

All this crazy prophecy stuff is going on and I felt so heavy under it. God showed his faithfulness to his people, of course, but I heard things, and saw things that really upset me. I understand the frustration of Jeremiah and Isaiah and all the other prophets when they were sent out to speak a truth that saves- and the people didn't care. It's heartbreaking, it's heartbreaking because you feel God's heart breaking. He loves us so much, that I tear up every time I think about it in this way.

I am becoming rather bitter at this time of life.

I am planning a trip to South Carolina and Louisiana and I am really looking forward to it. To feel the newness of God somewhere else. I want to catch fireflies, sink my feet into the sand, and experience joy in the way I remember it. I must get out.

I've read this verse so many times, with out knowing what it actually meant;

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28.

I always thought that "good" in this verse was what I perceived as good, as in 'you'll be happy and comfortable if you love God'. This year God broke down that lie. And now I see this verse exposes it. The word good here is agathon, good in this context actually does not refer to earthly comfort but conformity to Christ and closer fellowship with God. Agathon means you will suffer, but you will be closer, bearing more fruit, and will receive the glory of heaven. Because we know that everything good is in heaven, and everything good on earth is a foreshadow of whats to come.

"Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with patience." Romans 8:24