April 14, 10:49 pm

Foreword: I was deleting some blogs, and I found this, I didn't publish it that night, it was still in my drafts. I'm publishing it now.

I was driving home from a extremely challenging "no boys allowed". I went in my car and began to drive. I turned off the radio, I decided to myself "I need to process with God, time to pray, I won't listen to this the entire ride home.". I didn't have anything to pray, no pressings, no words at all came up. All I heard was lies, complaints, thoughts that were not mine. So I just stopped trying and sat there silently for a while. I had now just passed Morissey exit and was hearing terrible things. Then a line from a song I had previously hated began to play in my head "The waves they keep on telling me time and time again"Boy, you'll never win, You you'll never win But the Voice of truth tells me a different story. The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"." Then I felt like I was supposed to turn on the radio, i looked up and said "The voice of truth is on, isn't it?". I turned k-love on again and it was instead playing "how he loves", it was at the end of the song. I began to cry, and just repeated "I hear you, I hear you". Then with out interruption, or commercial- the voice of truth came on. My cry turned into sobbing, into weeping. Each word was like what I have been trying to communicate. I don't remember the last time I cried that hard, I kind of thought I was going to crash. I didn't make that moment into something that it wasn't, it was what it was, it was what I needed. I didn't pray, no words or insight came about it. Just tears. Just brokenness. but it wasn't this brokenness of condemnation, but of freedom before God. I felt his eyes watching me, as if he was sitting in the passenger seat rubbing my back.

Being a Christian is hard. and the pressure I put on myself, makes it harder, and into something Jesus did not intend. He rebuked the pharisees for not lifting a finger to ease the burden.

Jesus takes us places we don't want to go. "'I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and others will dress you and take you where you don't want to go'...Then Jesus told him 'follow me'" John 21:18-19. John 21 explains everything to me.

I did not know what I was getting myself into when I became a Christian and gave my life to God. Being made hurts. I didn't know I was called to suffering. I didn't know I would feel like such a stranger in my home, school, and world. Jesus wants the best for his kingdom. I have seen Christians make following Christ look like this easy inviting thing, I myself have made it look that way. But whenever Jesus was asked what its like to follow him, his reply was always like "Give up your life. Take up your cross. And follow me.". And that turned a lot of people away. I wonder how seriously I took that reply when I became a Christian. He never said it was going to be easy, Jesus certainly never hid how hard being in the world is. He told us flat out. Few find it. I'm learning what that calling actually means for me. Getting lies out of my head. Seeing dirt be ripped out. Surrender. It is rough. this is not a easy process, I am human. But I would never a thousand times ever, ever, ever, eeeeever take back my decision to follow Christ. I don't always feel like I am lead through cool waters, and by still streams. But I do get all that I ask for, and I have asked for this. I've asked for everything I'm receiving. I'm so glad we don't control or advise God. I'm so glad he doesn't stop when I ask him too, or when I grow weak and weary and want to just drop out. He never forsakes me. He leads, he goes before. I'm not lost, I'm just on my way.