I've been so consumed with everyone elses thoughts

Why have I been worried about what others think of me? I usually don't, but I have been feeling time warped. No doubt middle school was horrible for me, the lack of joy I had was obvious. I now know that it was God missing from my life, and thats why I felt so hopeless and lonely. But certain events trigger those emotions again, even though I'm obviously in a different (better) place in my life. All I wanted to do in middle school was to grow up, so I spent a lot of time in high school trying to "grow down". But after realizing who I was in Christ is all that I am here, I was happy to finally have settled. No longer like a wave in the ocean back and forth, I knew, I know who I am. And I guess because I am young I've always resented it's limits. In middle school I was certainly out of control, my parents didn't know how to "fix" me. I'd get in trouble, then try to prove to them that I was ok again and they could trust me, then I'd just get in trouble again. And all I ever wanted was their trust, not because I adored them or anything, but because I wanted freedom. I wanted to be able to leave my house whenever, and do whatever and have them not care, I'm pretty sure I believed that my life would be better if they didn't love me or care what I did. Of course all I want is their love and for them to be proud of me now. But I've always been searching for freedom, in the wrong places. In my physical worldly life. And because of the whole I hit a car incident, everything (ok, not everything) has been trash. None of my family is trusting me to drive. ALL I WANTED was my license, so I could claim my independence, go where I wanted, hang out with my closest friends, and have another attempt at being free. But I had no car, but I knew one was coming for me soon. And now thats trashed, and it's frustrating. Ever since becoming a Christian and doing everything that I do, acting the way I do, treating the way I treat people, everyone has noticed. Frequently I get "your every parents dream" or "Your parents must be so proud", and they aren't. I know it's because they don't know me, to them I haven't changed at all from this pathetic 7th grader who wanted to die. And I hate that feeling, because I'm not her, but I have no way to prove it to them. I thought that if I got my license it would be less of a struggle showing them that I'm worth loving, that I was able to be trusted as much as my sister is and was. And I think for like 4 days they were getting the idea that I was a trustable driver. Then I made the worst mistake ever. I meant to press break, but I pressed gas, my mind and everything was in the right place, IT WAS A MISTAKE. And my patience is so limited towards this subject, I WAS SO CLOSE. I find myself lately at home crying and frustrated with myself, just like in 7th grade, and wondering why I'm not driving or out having fun. My parents let me do what I want, because I make good decisions, I deserve the trust and freedom. But I'm tired of not having rides, no one understands how FRUSTRATING it is to never be able to get anywhere, it stresses me out. It's ridicleous. I get rides to and from school from friends, I'm tired of being a burden on peoples life. I believe in serving without expectations and being nice just to be nice, but a lot of my friends don't, and I'm tired of feeling like I owe them. All I keep thinking is these lyrics to this song: "I want to get out but all I keep hearing is 'no your not ready, no it's not time yet, no not right now, wait until your older'". IT'S TIME, I can't stand not being able to get out. I'm tired of proving myself to my family, to my friends, to anyone. And thats where I feel I'm at a time warp, I feel like a frustrated 7th grader that didn't know how to do anything right. And I'm happy spiritually and mentally and everything, but there has just been this huge gaping frustrated monster that lurks me when I think of having my license, AND SITTING HERE. It wasn't supposed to be like this. And I don't see the purpose of why this happened. And then I have also been feeling like I need to have approval of people. Usually people never talk about but I feel like a lot of people have been, and I don't think they are all good thoughts. And I don't want to work to prove myself to them, they don't know me, I don't want them to know me, I don't want to know them, so keep my name out of your mouths. I'm hoping things about that situation aren't as bad as I think. I can't even talk about that one. I absolutely can't stand how this thought is going through my head: "I'll just wait it out, it'll blow over, and I'll be ok". And I will, but I used to tell myself that all the time in middle school; wait until your parents trust you, wait until this person likes you, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm tired of waiting, time is moving by all too slowly. I hate it, I just want to leave this house, I just want to drive, I just want a car, I just want my families support.