Eyes wide open

I went to vintage church Sunday night and was really challenged by the message. We took a different look on Genesis 1,2, and 3.
Notice how the serpent tempts Eve, it is in all the right ways; he twists God's words, and encourages a desire for wisdom in her- telling her she is missing out from not eating the tree. She wonders, and takes the fruit. The downfall of man. It reveals everything about the rest of the Bible-the spiritual warfare, the love, the mistakes, the hiding, the seeking.
When we intentionally sin it is because we think we are missing out. "God wrote this law to restrict me,not to free me- I want this". Sin questions God's goodness. And it always has. Sin kills relationships. It killed ours between God until he redeemed it. It kills friendships, marriages, etc. Sin is death, sin kills. So why did God give us the choice to eat the fruit or not? He wanted lovers- not robots.
Something I never put together about Genesis was the reaction God had to the first disobedience EVER: "Where are you?" Genesis 3:8-9. Right after Adam and Eve sin they hide from God (as we try too), and he knows where they are- but again he offers them the chance to reply. So where are you? God sought after his creation, that was his initial response- a shepherd after a sheep. Truly, he never has, and never will change.

The sermon then began to talk about vulnerability- a recent common topic among friends. I can't speak for all of America, but I an speak for California. We live in a society that is seriously spiritually deprived. Our reaction to someone non-stop crying or showing weakness is to take them to the doctor and get them anti-depressants. We are embarrassed by emotion, we numb it. But when you numb vulnerability- you numb everything. No wonder God had people in the old testament wear ashes and torn clothes to show their remorse- he knows that when you begin to cry easier: you laugh easier. So why work to suppress what God has given me? Adam and Eve revealed a truth about humans- we hide, we are naked and feel shame. They cover up, they put on fig leaves. We can use even the most holy things as our fig leaves, as our way to hide or numb. I believe that prayer is a way that I will use as an excuse, "I'll pray for you" with out doing anything for them, "Ok God, I give it to you" and then push away all other emotion because I've given it to God, because it's "over" now. No. God puts us where he puts us, I'm not asking him to change it according to my desire anymore, my comfort means nothing to me (or I am striving to have it be that way). God is in control. I've been asking to be present in hard times, rather than be strong carry on type thing. I want to be brave, I want to believe and take seriously what Jesus said and did. I want to choose love and commitment over protection. How did Jesus handle emotion? Anger, weeping bitterly, going off to be alone- but never did he hide it. One of his last words on the cross was "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?". We long to be known, and fear it so. Why bother? The one who matters knows everything about me.

Lord, you win me over by the beauty of your character.

Something else I have bee realizing- my self consumption. Not just in action, but in words. "I want to be this, I want this, I, I ,I".
I wish I could forget myself, forget who I am- and just remember God. If I concentrated less on my faults or deeds, surely I would see and know God more. Everything belongs to God. I always think about who I am, or who I want to be, and what God is doing in my life. But it should just be what God is doing. I once heard that humility is not self hate or not acknowledging your talents, but appreciating something that is in yourself, just as much as you would if that same thing was in another. It all goes back to God, and comes from him.

My friends and I watched a documentary which inspired a lot of thoughts in me- in the documentary (furious love) a man went traveling around and filmed spiritual warfare, what light looks like in darkness. They went out and prayed over people and healed people. They really believed what they were doing, they expected that God would preform miracles through them.

I underestimate God's power with my life. No wonder he doesn't give healing to every person I pray for- sometimes I don't actually think he will, or it's not their time, or why should he? I ask God for healing, but I don't expect it. I should expect God to come through, not because I deserve it or anything, but because that is who he is- a God who comes through. I don't have faith that he will show his glory. It shocks me when he does. This is wrong, this is really wrong. If I really knew God I would know that we were made to show his glory, and that he gives freely, knows no boundaries and wants to heal his children (and preform other miracles). I've been asking myself, what kind of God do I think I am serving? Sometimes my thoughts are so twisted about him. He is love. He would go to the end of the earths for his children. And I love him, he is my best friend- he knows he is. But I want to know him more, call him by his first name- holy. Call him Father, the way Jesus did. The thing that really got me about this video was God himself. His hand is here working in peoples lives, how do teachers and parents expect me to do homework when God is alive? I need to live the gospel- to get past myself and love who and what is in front of me. The holy spirit needs to fill every part of me. From time to time I really become aware of the whole "me factor" how much of my relationship with God orbits around how I'm feeling, and what I'm putting into the relationship. Everything is off unless I'm on fire for him. The question "How much do I love Jesus?" is stupid, I want it to be focused on "How much does Jesus love me?". My love is not inspiring, it does not move mountains- it is the love of Christ that does. I want to show who God is, not who I am. I want to present the message, not my thoughts on the message. My complaints are petty. Petty. I don't want to sing I don't like this song, I don't want to go to school I'm too tired, I can't go out looking like this, there's no food in my house, I'm misunderstood,I can't ask this person if they need prayer they'll think I'm crazy, I don't know how to love this person, etc. Thinking about myself is so overwhelming- no wonder I get stressed out. Concentrating on what you need to do will destroy you. I want to lose myself, I want to think only about God.

Father, change me. Let me see you, and keep my heart on the things most high.


Thanks for reading this rant, pray that I'll lose myself.