Opening at Marinis

"My boyfriend Dan wanted to come to my daughters going away party. He told me to call him to wake him up when it started and I told him I would. But I got off the phone and was like 'He'll come if he really wants too, he probably doesn't want too'. And then the next morning he called me and asked why I didn't wake him up and that he was really sad he missed it, and I told him that I figured he was just being polite and didn't actually want to go. And then I realized that he was genuine about it and it was my own insecurity of feeling unimportant because in my last marriage my husband would always tell me he wanted to do things with me that he actually didn't want to do. So I assume that people don't actually want to do things like this with me. Sometimes, you need to relearn how to trust."

My supervisor shared that with me this morning.

I was so amazed at her awareness of that being connected with her reaction. Then I was so amazed at how much I related to the insecurity. I am quick to stop making a effort in a relationship (boy and girl) because I deem myself unimportant. I tell myself "if they really like me, they'll ask me to hang out or talk". Because in so many previous relationships I have been pushed out and not cared for. I call these insecurities scars. Marks left by other people.

I have picked up on this one family where the parents always seem tired and annoyed, every time their kids ask them for something the Dad instantly snaps a "what!?" or "get down from there!". The children scream and make a commotion a lot more then most children I know. There father spends a lot of time at his work, and openly says it is his escape. These kids scream and cause trouble because it is the only way their parents give them attention. They don't realize what they are doing, but I watch them and see the rejection in their faces.

After my supervisor sharing with me I went on filling trays and reflecting on the scars I carry, habits I have formed, where maybe I should learn to trust more, and how I react to things because of relationships before. I was praying and begging God to take them away; So I wouldn't hurt others, so I wouldn't keep myself from things I actually want (maybe even deserve). And for a second I felt the weight of all my insecurity and lack of trust and bravery. Jesus keeps beckoning me to walk through it with him, to work it out.

It is a moment by moment decision of mine to strive to walk in peace, with out fear, and far from insecurity. This is not something that makes me comfortable, but a decision I have made and stick too. "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace" 2Corinthians 14:33. I will choose life because "God has not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline" 2Timothy 1:7.


"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30- 31

I will soar. I will run.