every so often

I will stop and really evaluate myself. And this time I found that I need time for myself again. I say again because at the beginning of 2008 all I did was serve other people, think of other peoples feelings. If someone was having a really bad day I would bake them a cake or give them candy. I hardly remember thinking of my own feelings, or my relationship with God (aside from when I'd be at church). And then at the very end of 2008 (and beginning of 209), I was very, very lost. And alone, and left with my thoughts, I had no choice but to think of God and think of myself. And I found that I was important too, that I deserved to make myself happy. So for a while I backed off making sure everyone was ok, because I really needed to take care of myself (let God take care of me). (usually when I say myself I mean me and God, I like to think of us as one. Which i think we are, we're bff's no doubt.) And so during that period of time, it was constant growth, and a constant deliverance of wisdom and strength from God. And I have never been so thankful, or seen God so apparent in my life. But when I look back, everything that hurt and felt so wrong, turned out being so right. And a constant reminder today to trust, love, worship, and follow, to whatever that entitles. And in the last few month or so I've felt distant, not necessarily from God, but from myself? It's just that I've been pouring into a lot of people, deeply into a lot of people. Sharing myself, my wisdom, my relationship, just the word of Christ (which definetly should always be shared!). But I didn't feel anyone really pouring into me, and in some ways I didn't feel God pouring into me. The "nothing is wrong, but nothing is right" state. And I think because of my last trial, I've just been so scared to be hurt again, especially by a boy. Because boys are risky, and no matter how many times I tell myself I don't care or don't want a guy in my life, I do. And no matter how many times I tell myself I'm trusting God and living that out, I'm not. And for the subjects of boys and God, I see a relation. Therefore I have been in a constant box since the end of 2008, and I know I have lived that way. 2009 was no doubt a huge year in my faith, and learning about the trinity and everything that falls under it. And as much as I have trusted God, I'm not trusting that I'll be ok in areas where I wasn't ok before. And for the area I'm thinking of right now, it's boys, I do know what I want, and I'm not sure where to find it. I can easily think of 2 relationships where I should of been more bold, more fearless to tell them how I actually felt, to fix things because us together was a broken relationship. But I haven't, but I want to, so badly. But I fear speaking out would make me look stupid, or even worse make me vulnerable again.I want to leave my box of comfort and having wisdom to back up my choices. I want to do something just because I feel like it and not have to think about it, because I know if I mess up or make the wrong choice, God still takes care of me. I think thats real faith. Just truly trusting and not thinking about your next move, but to just go with it, and know that God is still there. In all honesty, I don't want to make bad choices, only choices that will be examplatory and show God's love, but thinking about what that means all the time drives me to worry that I can't do it. But I think it's possible, for I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phillipians 4:13). I shouldn't worry about tommorow because tommorow will bring it's own worries today's worries is enough for today (matthew 6:34) On my current diary I wrote Matthew 6:28-34 in the front. And that verse is about why we don't have to worry, that God i the ultimate provider. My favoritest part from it is "And if God cares so wonderfully about the flowers that are her today and thrown away tommorow, he will certainly care for you". And with that reassurance, why can't I push myself to take my leap of faith. I don't want to worry, I shall not be scared. I wrote this in one of my diaries around November 24, 2008, and it says "Sometimes you want so badly to get away from where you've been, that even the wrong turn seems like an improvement. And maybe it is. Because even the worst wrong turn takes you to somewhere new". And that is exactly it, I need to accept Grace, that even if I make a wrong turn: I'll be ok, I'll be loved, I'll be taken care of. What I am saying is, be bold in your faith, and in your person. Be OK because God is taking care of you. Take leaps of faith because you have the strength to do so. Don't worry because you always fall back into God's plan. And be thankful because you have these oppurunities formed by God, for you.

Dear God,
I'm re-ready to trust in you, to leave my comfort zone (give me guidance to do so). And to do what is right, to humble myself to do your work and make things ok again. Being in my friendships, other relationships, and my family. I want to be bold in you, and not scared but constantly reassured of your presence. I'm ready to leap with you. Thanks for everything homie, I love you a billion.


(Can you think of a place in your life where you need to leap and trust God will guide you in? If so, and are willing to share, I encourage you to share it. To seek prayer from others for your leap, feel free to leave a comment here or on facebook, or just leave it with God.)