Dear friends,

You all mean so much to me, I constantly am overwhelmed with your wisdom and love you bestow upon me. God has given you each such incredible gifts, and I'm so thankful you share them with me. I live a incredibly blessed life, I have beaten myself to love discipline, hating what is bad, and holding tightly to what is good. (of course I am no where near perfect) But I have been noticing how much "being good" has been stressing me out. I see the way I influence people, and where people hold me. Any praise I get, I just don't deserve, but it has built me up for sometime now. And that is wrong, because I have been scared to fall. Like if I fall then everyone falls, and I'm not meant to be your strength. Friends carry each others burden and give advice, and thats all lovely, but not to the point where you become reliant on it. I give my closest friends every detail of my life so that we can walk together, but I've found I've been more dependent on my friends carrying me then God carrying me. Above what I say or do, I have become a coward. Scared of dissapointing all of you, scared of dissapointing God. Maybe my thoughts are wrong, but it's ok for now, this is where my heart is going. I want to live dauntlessly with God, and not afraid of what people will think of it. I have been stripping all the beauty and freedom from God. I need to let my actions come naturally, from God. I have been trying to discipline myself, and shape myself, and it just doesn't work. Even the youth grow weary, and I am weary. I am drained, and have felt in a box. And living in that box is not something god wants me to do. I have my own relationship and indivituality in Christ, and I need to hold tightly to that. I don't want mine to be like yours, or like anyone else's. There is no such thing as "a cookie cutter Christian" and that is what I have been trying to do. I need to have fun, I need to embrace where God has me now. I am always told that I'm "mature" and "wise" and "don't seem my age", I think I should seem my age. I think I should be immature and young and not be scared of what people think. I don't mean this to sound like I'm blaming anyone for my feelings, this is just something God has been showing me lately. In the way that you know you shouldn't worry about your life, and trust that God will provide, don't worry about my life either. I trust God, and I need to trust that he will provide. Don't provide for me, let me rise, let me fall. I'm gonna be ok, we'll all be ok. I believe in and adore God and even if I get lost or confused for a while, I'm still safe. It is not the law that saves me, it is God, and I need to live in that. I've been overwhelming myself with doing right, and it is unnatural. I need to have fun, this isn't a doubting God kinda thing, it's a laying back and really letting him run my life thing. And on my own. I need to take my own advice because I know whats best for me, what works for you isn't always what I should do. We are all so different. Your words and wisdom are ALWAYS appreciated, but I think I just really need to listen to God, and no one else. I'm giving up, I'm not gonna try to be anything I'm not. I'm going to pray and just let God do the rest, because he will. I'm not going to search for a solution to fix myself, I'm just going to watch God do it. I'm not going to over analyze every little thing, I want to dive in and just trust God. I'll be ok, give my life to him too. I question my actions, intentions and everything, to a point where it is suffocating, and that just isn't healthy. I'm responsible I know right from wrong and thats embedded in me enough to just let God carry me. When I make a joke or do something weird i wonder what people will think, or react. I don't want to live according to others judgements, because it just doesn't matter. God really loves me, and if I'm sarcastic, he knows my heart. I need to be myself, whatever that is. I don't want that to change according to whoever I'm around. I've been really into appreciating everyone's individuality and their relationship with Christ lately, and I need to appreciate my own. Dear friends, lets just give each others lives to the Lord, pray expectantly and trusting him in full. Lets build each other up, but not rely on each other. Let us live and enjoy life, not just the spiritual part, but the physical. God wants us too. Let us just be ourselves together. Let us just have fun. Let us not making our relationship into a "thing" but remind ourselves that: it's only about him.