i hate letting go

and I never fully do. Once I care for someone, I'll care about them forever. They aren't just wiped out of my heart. They may not be in my head, but they'll always be in my heart. But I had a thought today that maybe I'm interfeering in God's work by holding them there. It goes against every moral string in my body, but I think I do actually need to let go and not care or worry about them anymore. I've already gone through forgiving you, now it's just time to gt.

I've also been feeling very insecure lately, and anxious.
"I don't want to be afraid, I want to wake up feeling beautiful today. And know that I'm ok, because everyone's perfect in unusual ways. So you see I just need to believe in me."

And then, all of the sudden I realize the root of the feelings I've been struggling with lately. I've just never felt good enough. For anyone, for my friends, for boys, for my family, and surely not for God. I think all of them love me for who I am. But that doesn't fix my feelings. From my parents, I KNOW I've never been who they wanted, not when I was in middle school, and not today. In middle school I was to out of control. Today I'm too distant and "Christian". Especially my Mom, I've never been perfect enough for her. I was never catholic, I never trated her the way she treated her Mom. I never put everything away. That I'll never have good grades or go anywhere. My hands are never soft enough. I never support her. I put everyone above our family. I don't deserve to call myself a Christian. I have boughten into all of that, and unconciously believed it. It's imprinted in my mind mostly because of my family, that I am just not good enough. From my old friends mostly, I was never pretty enough. I dressed too different. From boys it has always been, I'm too young looking, I' too short. I'm too much of a prude. I don't party. And for God I'll never believe I am worth his love, but he looooooooves me so much anyways, and I adore that, adore him, and I ill forever. And it's the exact humbeling I need to remind myself I'm not worthy. but it's uncomforting feeling like he's the only one that really loves me, and all I have is him. But I don't live to impress people, I don't live to fit into this world. I don't have to win approval of others, they don't have to know what good or bad deeds I do and don't do. Because God see's all that, everything, and loves me more than anyone else in the entire world, ever ever ever. And he wants me, constantly and for everything I am. He changes me and is there for me in a way no one could ever possibly fulfill. And I am thankful, constantly, all the time. And I deal, I'm generally happy and secure with who I am and my past and boys and girls and family. But every once in a while I'll have this impulsive rush of bitterness. So maybe I don't feel good enough a lot or some of the time, sure I'd like too. but I know with every inch of my being, that is not my goal, my goal is to remain in God's love and honor him with my life, body, actions, words, and thoughts. And whatever I do, he knows and loves. And that will always keep me going, God makes everything right and ok in my world, because he is my world, and that world NEVER changes. And as for the not good enough feelings, will they dissolve? Probably not, but all I can do is be myself, that won't change.